Dear Jackson and James:
Today you woke up at 5:45 a.m. Why? I know I shouldn’t complain. I have two 14.5 month old toddlers that generally sleep on the same schedule. You both sleep through the night. You both smile more than you cry. You both eat almost anything I put in front of you. You are both truly amazing little creatures.
You even dance to Marvin Gaye at 7:45 a.m. while wearing a plastic plate rim as a crown (James) and holding a broom (Jackson). Jackson, Fred Astaire had nothing on you.
Honestly, if I left this world tomorrow you could put in me in the ground knowing the whole thing was worth it. The good, the bad, the amazing. Even as I sit here, eyes drooping — I have it all.
You’re probably not at all wondering why Mama had to leave you tonight. Why I had to go to yoga. Both of you are such natural little yogini’s. It’s amazing to watch you go into down dog and stretch your legs over your head while sucking your own little toes (a practice I find somewhat disturbing). The stresses of life have yet to tie you into knots. I hope you can keep it that way for a very long time.
When I came home you beamed at me from the bathtub as if I had never left.
… Well, James beamed.
You’re both way more resilient than I give you credit for. It’s your Mama with the issues.
I’m sure there will be a day when you tell me to go to yoga for your own sanity. Your father does.
Before I was pregnant with you I did this yoga thing every day for 60+ Days. I woke up, I did yoga somewhere. I wrote blog posts.
I had a lot more time to do it then. A lot more. I was going through so much more. What I wanted when I went to the mat two years ago was the largest calling I had ever had. I had to literally let go of everything across all the decades of my life to find you waiting for me. Until you were here, life was somehow missing some important ingredients. At least for my recipe.
Now I have no time. But I think there is an art for making time. Remember there are ways to look at the day and reallocate the wasted moments for something even better. Try to remember this when you start something really hard like Biochemistry.
I am getting better at reallocating moments.
When I went to the mat today there was no urgency. I’m wandering, I’m searching … but certainly not lost.
I could feel myself letting go with each down dog. Each stretch. Parts of my body opened up immediately. It’s like riding a bike. Parts of me are stuck. It’s going to take more than one yoga class.
As your Mama, there is so much I want to give you, but one of the greatest things I can give you — besides love and shelter and really cute outfits — is example. I want you to see me jumping in. See me doing it. See me trying it. See me going for it.
I want to see you do the same.
I have no idea what your callings will be, but whatever they are — I want you to remember to just jump. Go for it. Fail. Stand back up. Keep going.
If it doesn’t challenge you, it doesn’t change you.
Everything always seems impossible until it’s done.
Remember this when you want to give up.
And when it IS done — stand up and begin again.
Just jump, my little Dumplings, and when Marvin Gaye is singing … stand up and dance. Close your eyes and dance.
I love you to the moon and back.