It was just over two years ago the weekend before Thanksgiving when I went on a yoga retreat and wrote this and then on Thanksgiving Day I wrote this — and then the Monday night after Thanksgiving I wrote my first entry for 60 Days On the Mat.
What a fantastically crazy ride. Honestly, I would not change a thing. Not one thing.
Okay. Maybe one thing.
Wouldn’t we all change one thing?
Probably two things.
Or three … I really want to live in a house where it might be appropriate to paint a door turquoise. I want a porch you can live on — and more importantly sleep on. I want my skinny legs back and I need more green in my life.
What would we do without Pinterest?
I’ve always been a person who thinks we should aspire for change. If we’re not changing, we’re not growing and if we’re not growing … well, I’ve never liked the alternative.
I sat at my desk the other night literally paralyzed with work. I was so overwhelmed I spent 15-minutes on Pinterest pinning playroom pictures for a playroom I do not have. I call it the iPad rabbit hole. You just start pinning and liking and listening and pretty soon it’s 2:00 a.m.
Have you ever been paralyzed with work? Trust me. It’s no way to live. It makes you check out in the strangest ways.
There was a time I aspired for the 4-Hour Work Week. I am so far from the 4-Hour Work Week. My life is more like the 40-Hour a Day Work Week … sometimes I work double while sleeping.
It blows my mind when I think about the exorbitant amount of time I whittled away doing nothing before I had children. I want to go back and tell that girl to enjoy it. She has the time to rule the world, she should go for it.
Don’t get me wrong — I am the luckiest woman in the world. Have you seen how cute my children are? They melt me. Every morning when I wake up I swear my heart has grown overnight. Even on the mornings I am exhausted and begging them to sleep one more hour.
How does that happen? I have no idea, but it just does.
It’s the kind of love that cracks your armor and reveals so much about you. Your true grit. Your true bliss. What you’ll sacrifice. What you’ll forget you wanted. We all know women who have sacrificed too much …
If you’re not careful it sends you into a spiral of self-neglect.
I am guilty as charged. There are still days I ask myself, did you brush your teeth? What!?! It’s wrong on so many levels.
I just took a test on Facebook that says I am going to live for another 52.5 years. That my friends, is old — but not as old as the age of a yogini which is 108. That is my true aspiration. I am not sure if I should drink more water or wine to get there.
In the words of my friend, Katherine, “Does everyone WANT to live that long? I’d only do it if I can walk, talk, think clearly and laugh… at the appropriate times, and drive, and I’d want to be funny. Or else you’re no fun to be around at that age.”
Whether is it 108 or 97.5 year — I refuse to be a frump. I refuse to stop transcending my last incarnation.
But the other day as I sat drowning in work — covered from head to toe in who knows what — eating a piece of Domino’s pizza (I know!) I saw it all flash before my eyes. I saw exactly how you can go from fabulous to frenetic in the blink of an eye. I saw how you can wake up every day for 18 years, pack lunches and be 4 (or more!) sizes bigger than when you started. You’re no longer in any pictures … afraid of getting in front of a camera.
I’m not wearing Mom jeans yet, but there is a pair that is questionable.
Tonight when I was playing “I’m gonna get you!” with James and Jackson I got winded. Literally, winded. I’m letting little things — that are really BIG things — fall to the back burner of my life. Yoga. Writing. Music. Walking. Massages. Reading.
I thought about my 60+ Days on the Mat. I was balanced.
I am so out of balance right now. So overwhelmed.
I thought about how alive I felt going to yoga and writing every day for that focused period of time and when I got to the end of it I was a completely transformed (and very pregnant).
And even though this is completely crazy because I am so busy — today I begin again. I have no idea where it is going, but all I know is I must go there. There is more of me to find on the mat. I cannot possibly go to yoga every day, but I can do sun salutations and write. Sometimes we need to do-do-do so we can be-be-be and somehow find the perfect balance of do-be-do-be-do-be. I had a yoga teacher that told me something like that once. She was right.
I’m feeling a little lost inside, not because I am unhappy — but because I never want to get lost in a maze of Montessori playrooms and wake up to find it’s all over. My kids are not going to care if I made them a perfect playroom, but rather, will she throw on her bathing suit and jump in.
The answer is she will. I will. Always.
A friend of mine just lost his Mom about a month ago. She was one of our childhood “Moms” at CATS, the theater school I attended. Jane, was always so full of life and was always such a joy to be around. I still have a set of juggling balls she made for me — green and gold for Young Jr. High. When I was reading her obituary, I saw all of the things she did to keep herself active and engaged. I want my obituary to look like that.
My own Mom is the same way and I know many, many women who are. I worked with an amazing woman this summer on our TCU Frogs for the Cure video – Ann Louden. Wow. I wish I could bottle that and pop it every morning with some fresh juice. If you have not seen the 2014 Frogs For the Cure video featuring the Josh Groban song, Brave — watch it now. What an experience. So proud to have been a small part of it. GO FROGS!!
So here I go on a whole new kind of journey. 60 More Days … and as I was pulling in the driveway today, this song was playing.
Perfect on so many levels. Until tomorrow …