Today marks the beginning of the week 32 in my pregnancy.
I. Am. Exhausted.
One of the things I am really having to learn is how to surrender. Not just say it, but actually do it. My body gives me no other options at this point. She is officially in charge.
My brain has to surrender. This is difficult for her to do. She comes from a long line of stubborn women.
Surrender to rest. Surrender to the fact that I can’t do it all anymore — and more importantly, I never really could. Surrender to expectations. Surrender the vision of what I think it is all supposed to look like (or I wish it would look like) and accept what is.
I am 32 weeks pregnant with twin boys. I want to keep them in there at least five more weeks, and in order to do that I have to let go of the work, the bills, the expectation of what I think needs to be accomplished today, tomorrow and the day after that. For once I have to focus inside myself and not outside.
Whatever is outside can wait.
History tells me that life becomes easier, doors and windows fly open without struggle as we let go of expectations. When you don’t count on things they often surprise you. For once — in an effort to keep the stress at bay — I am putting this theory to practice.
My body is forcing me to surrender to all of it. I’ve never had to obey her in quite this way before. It takes some getting used to.
I sleep at least ten hours per night now, no matter what time my head hits the pillow. I get up at least three times to go to the bathroom. I switch sides every hour or so by rising up like a beached whale in the bed, waking my husband every time.
The Dumplings kick and carry on as I adjust to my new position.
I wake up not very early. I drink milk and I eat a little something. I attempt to get something else ready in the house for the Dumplings. After 15-minutes I am exhausted, sitting on the couch playing Candy Crush. Stuck at level 79, I lose all of my lives within minutes and ask myself … why did I ever start playing this game? I hate these stupid games.
Maybe I watch a movie. Maybe I fall asleep. Maybe I do both. Generally I do both. After all, it takes more than two hours to get a full set of Candy Crush lives again.
I surrender to the nap.
I wake up and Jonathan makes me eat something. I drink something. I watch in awe as my stomach rolls up and down — wondering is it the Dumplings or a poltergeist? I reach for the little foot as it pokes out, longing to count the toes. He kicks me and tucks it back inside.
I always imagined this blissful, easy pregnancy. As I type this, I realize I always pictured this blissful, easy life. Don’t we all? Don’t we want life to flow for us like a winding river, with lots of easy stops for picnics and swimming? Lots of places to rest and explore? Lots of places to bask in the glory of our triumphs? Lots of places just to be, knowing everything is going to be okay?
I decide it may not always be easy, rest may come sporadically at best — but in the end everything IS going to be okay.
Right now my back hurts and I long for yoga. Despite doctors orders I stretch, I go into down dog to get the babies out of my pelvis. I find myself on the floor doing cat cow stretches for my back.
It brings relief.
I am supposed to swim, but lack the energy to leave the house. The heat outside zaps my energy. Did I ever mention summer is my least favorite season?
Summer is my least favorite season.
I have always found this funny, considering I am a Leo. I find it even funnier that I live in southern California, where there are no seasons, and the ones we do have generally feel like variations of summer.
Yesterday our doula came to the house. She asks us about our birth plan, our wishes, how we see it all going? I feel almost guilty for not having some grand birth vision, but the truth is, I don’t. I want it to be as natural as possible, but I am already surrendering to the fact that it might not be. Anything can happen — especially with twins — and the most important thing for us is bringing two healthy baby boys home from the hospital.
So today marks the beginning of the official arrival of J.R. and J.P. I am confident whenever they get here, they will make it. I just hope it’s closer to the goal of 37 weeks because I want to bring them home with me.
Whatever happens, I surrender.