This is the longest I have gone without writing since I started writing regularly last November. There are several reasons for it (work, nausea, extreme fatigue) — I won’t bore you with the details. I am going to post a lot this week because I have to catch up on so much from the month of July.
I have been writing, but not publicly.
A part of my creative pause came when I got an email just after the 4th of July. I didn’t know the person, but she proceeded to tell me (in what she thought was a nice way) that she thought the way I was choosing to have my children was selfish. Selfish because I was taking them away from their real Mommy and I was probably too old to manage two at one time.
I didn’t answer her back. Instead I cried alone in the shower for three days, somehow taking what I knew to be completely false and allowing it to shatter my heart. It brought a flood of things back to me from all that I had worked though during my 60 Days On the Mat.
It reminded me why some women choose to keep egg donation a secret, even from their children.
I almost deleted this entire blog. It shook me that much. Jonathan’s desire to be more private (even though he was completely supportive of my blog) was suddenly making more sense.
I retreated, went deep inside — went to more yoga, meditated, talked and sang to to my Dumplings.
It was an unanticipated set back, but one I quickly got past, while falling asleep standing up.
I thought a lot about what this woman wrote to me and then I deleted her email. I did not need a record of such judgement. My anxiety over it was not good for my sons, and instinctively I knew this.
I decided to write her back publicly, on this blog — with no intention of engaging her directly — but more to answer the question for myself and anyone else who may struggle with such demons. It was not a question I was ever in doubt of — and any demons I may have once had, were long gone — but as you navigate the waters of creating your family in non-traditional ways, I think it is important to have answers to questions like these.
I can only call you lady since you did not have the courage to give yourself a fake name or even an initial. It’s fine, I really don’t want to know someone like you, but I feel compelled to stand up for my family against your inane banter.
According to you it was not God’s will for me to get pregnant. I don’t know if you ever heard the story about the guy who was drowning and waiting for God to help him. God sent all sorts of vessels to rescue this poor fella and yet he refused them all waiting for God and ultimately drowned. When he got to heaven he asked God why he did not help him, God said, “I sent a speedboat, an ocean liner, a dinghy and a helicopter.”
You see, rather than sitting at home childless and depressed — knowing the odds of it happening were so slim — I found the courage to seek out help. I did whatever it took to secure that help spiritually, emotionally and financially. Through that help, I now have two sons growing in my womb.
I will never believe these exact children are missing their real Mommy. They certainly aren’t missing their real Daddy. If you want to get technical, these exact two eggs would have been discarded through the monthly cycle of my donor. Most likely, they would never have become anyone, which is what happens to almost all of the eggs women are born with.
Did you take a health class in school?
These exact two eggs would never have been joined to create two perfect embryos and ultimately the two beautiful little souls I am growing in my womb. In short, they are not missing anyone, they exist because we wanted them more than anything else in the world. How lucky to be a child wanted more than anything else in the world.
As for age … I am in a much better place today to be a parent than I would have been ten years ago. It may not appear perfect, but I believe, perfection, like beauty, is in the eye of the beholder.
All I will say in closing is I believe God gives us the children we are supposed to have if we want children, like He gives us the lessons we are supposed to learn and the gifts we are supposed to share with the world. I believe there are challenges we all face in life, obstacles we must overcome, things we must learn (sometimes over and over again) — and the parents, siblings and families we pick for ourselves before we are born are all part of that journey.
These two little boys chose us as their parents. I am their Mama and I always will be.
The Girl Who Likes Chicken n’ Dumplings will always be a blessing; she is the dinghy God sent me while I was drowning in the sorrows of an empty womb.
It was hard to write this post, but somehow I had to put it out there before I could move to the next post and the one after that. I believe our souls connect us more than genetics and it is not just because of my situation. I have always believed that. These little boys picked me as their Mama despite genetics and I plan to be the very best one I can be.
So, that is what happened in Week 24. I have more to tell the boys, which will come tomorrow.
Today I am 27 weeks and 2 days pregnant. I feel like a beached whale because they are pushing so hard on my upper organs. Especially the ones I breathe with, you know, the lungs. J.P. and J.R. (yes, those are the official initials) weigh 2 lbs 8oz and 2 lbs 10 oz.
They are very healthy and apparently they like to keep their heads quite close to one another. I often wonder what they are whispering about? I wish they would not do it at 3:00 in the morning. I suppose they are getting me ready for the next chapter. The one where I get no sleep.
Jonathan and I started our childbirth classes on Sunday nights — which are surprisingly great. We take them with my prenatal yoga teacher, Robin Gruver at Birthing With Wisdom.
I finished editing 70 videos for ASCO. I went on a yoga retreat last weekend — giving me a great exclamation point to my yoga-fertility journey.
There is a lot to tell you. One of the most important things is I will be launching a new website design in a few short weeks — something I am very excited about.
Nausea and vomiting (among other pregnancy symptoms I could do without) have reemerged this week, but I’m trying not to let them get me down. They are, however, making me exhausted.
My Mom arrives in early August and the nursery set-up will begin. There is not only a lot to catch up on, but as we enter this final 10-12 weeks of pregnancy, there will be so much to share!
I have received so many texts and emails wondering if everything is okay because this is the longest span I have gone without writing. I guess I needed a mental break to get geared up for this final ten to twelve weeks. I also need to go to the post office and purchase stamps for my remaining thank you notes for the Texas shower. If you were there, please forgive me, my inability to get to the post office is a habit I picked up from my mother — I blame it on her and the heat.
My goal is to keep the boys pushing on my internal organs until at least September 28th (37 weeks), though Dr. D thinks I can do more.
We’ll see … he’s quite ambitious, that one. But then again, so am I.
So in a nutshell, I’m back.
Much Love & Many Blessings,