At the moment I feel like a complete failure as a mother. Last week I did not write a Week 15 Dear Dumplings letter and there is really no way to go back and write one, since I will soon be writing the Week 16 letter after our appointment tomorrow. I could rush one out today, but …
Will it scar them if Week 15 is missing?
In lieu of beating myself up, I have decided to let it go and somehow find a way to forgive myself for this not-massive shortcoming. After all, I think these soon to be bundles of joy are slowly trying to kill me. (Enter, first guilt trip.) It was by far the worst week for nausea, lack of appetite, fatigue … and other things I will not mention because no one wants to read about them. However, there was this woman who opened up a salad on the plane that sent me running to the back of the plane in search of, well, a barf bag.
When is my second trimester honeymoon going to begin? I ask this question daily. I am convinced it is a fiction.
Tomorrow we will see the Dumplings again at the doctor’s office for our 16 week check-up. Since I traveled back and forth to Washington D.C. this week, I am slightly anxious to hear their little heartbeats and see them kicking around in their little sacs. I can feel them off and on writhing around; causing pressure on my tummy. I’ll feel less anxious when I see them. It has been three weeks, which seems like forever.
This week they have reached the size of an avocado. I keep wondering if they are the small scrawny avocados or the nice plump large avocados? None of the books are revealing what sort of avocado I should be thinking about.
I flew this week to Washington D.C. for an event I have worked on every year since 2002 called The Prudential Spirit of Community Awards. This is the only client I book celebrities for anymore. I do it because I love the event and everything it represents. If you have kids in grades 5-12, you should definitely read more about it. They can be in private, public or home school.
For more information on what it’s all about, you can visit their website:
Always stay interested.
Kevin Spacey said a lot of things in his poignant speech to the young winners of the 2013 Prudential Spirit of Community Awards. They were hanging on his every word. I could see the connection in their faces.
Whenever I read anything, watch anything, eat anything, buy anything, or basically DO ANYTHING — I am thinking about the Dumplings. Listening to the speakers on Sunday night at the awards ceremony — Academy Award winning actor, Kevin Spacey and Olympic Gold medalist, Allyson Felix — was no different.
Kevin Spacey said so many things these philanthropic kids could relate to, and even adults thinking about being kids could relate to. His stories were touching and relevant to the evening and all these kids had accomplished. One of the stories he told was about a game he had played with several actors at John Huston’s home when he was a young actor. The game involved stating the word most important to you. People said things like Family, Friends, Health –— all the usual suspects. When it came time for John Huston to say his word, he said,
Interested. Always stay interested.
This immediately resonated with me. Looking back on my life thus far, I can honestly say that the worst times in my life were the moments where my interest faded. I lost the passion. I lost the drive. I was wandering aimlessly in search of interest. Something to focus me again.
When I was younger I sauntered down many paths of alleged interest that were really more of a self-manipulation; a longing. I was seeking some sort of acceptance or recognition. My desire to belong to something was far greater than my interest in it.
I believe we are all searching, and many people are lucky enough to find what they’re looking for more quickly than others. Some of us (like me) discover interests in so many things there never seems to be enough rocks to look under or enough time to explore them all. There are not enough hours in the day to read about all the things I want to know.
Some people call it ADD. I call it, over-interested.
The one good thing about being an older parent is by this point in life your interests are yours. Your passions are yours. You’re not trying to win anyone over or gain some sort of acceptance you think you need. Somehow, by this point, life is just going, and even when it appears you might be going off a cliff, deep down you know … you’re not.
I’m not sure if this comes with a strengthening of faith or age. I like to think it’s a little of both.
We all have dreams as children. We all have dreams for our children. Will they love this or will they love that? Will our little Dumplings be as passionate about baseball, hockey, tennis, USC football and politics like their Daddy? Will they love yoga, Shakespeare, historical fiction, Tennessee Williams, show tunes and Willie Nelson like their Mama?
It’s honestly anyone’s guess. I do know that whatever their interests are — be they fleeting or for a lifetime — they will become my interests as well; if only for moral support. Kevin Spacey was more than clear about the adults in his life helping him believe his interests, and ultimately his passion to be an actor, was possible.
One hope among the many, many hopes we have for our children — is that they remain interested. They remain curious. I believe interest and curiosity helps you find your passions. Without it, you can find yourself in a rut. Sometimes these ruts can last a lifetime. We’ve all seen someone in a lifetime rut, starved for interest — and it’s scary.
Luckily, if these Dumplings are anything like either one of their parents, this won’t be a problem.
I hope I have enough intuition as their Mama to know when they are actually interested and when they are pretending to be to please someone else; possibly even their parents.
Always be curious and interested.
Thanks, Kevin Spacey, for touching the heart and mind of even this 43-year old broad on Sunday night. You were great.
Sorry I missed your official Week 15 letter. Please know it was not because I lacked interest. You can ask your Daddy — right now you are my only interest. Sometimes I think he is a little jealous, but then he comes over and rubs my tummy with a great big smile on his face and I know he isn’t. He’s just as excited for you to get here as I am. We can’t wait to see you tomorrow. It’s been three weeks!