60+ Days On the Mat — The End Is the Beginning?


 “We continue on the same path, with appropriate growth.  Tomorrow is a big day because they begin genomic activation, where the cells begin to have specific roles.  We don’t look at them tomorrow, so the next update will be Friday before the transfer : )”

~ Dr. K

That was the last email from my doctor before the transfer this morning, which I received on Wednesday afternoon (Day 66).

On Wednesday I heard the Tim McGraw song, One Of Those Nights, three times.  The final time I heard it was after driving away from dinner with Selma and Heidi. The situation of the song is not relevant to me at the moment, but the theme of the song was.  The chorus of the song was. I decided to heed my friend Tiffany’s advice and take the song being played three times for me as something to pay attention to; something significant.

Someday you’ll be looking back on your life
At the memories, this is gonna be one of those nights

In retrospect (yes, the 36-hour retrospect) I think Wednesday night is going to be one of those nights I remember.

The day began with a yoga video at home.  I was desperately trying to finish all of my work before the transfer, so that was the number one priority that day.  To say my head has been someplace else for the past several weeks (possibly even the last 60+ days!) is a gross understatement.  I had a dinner scheduled during my regular class with Chaz, so I took a lunch break and got on the mat while Boomer looked on.  My favorite part is when he gets right under me while I am in down dog.  Even at almost 18 years old, he still never wants to leave my side; even as he stumbles over his hind legs while following me around, or cries out when he is lost … in the living room.  I always try to remember we are all getting old as I pick him up in his state of confused despair.

As I sit in bed now, home from the transfer of two perfect blasts — one of them hatching — Boomer is contently purring next to me.

Selma, Heidi and I met at the Elephant Hut for Thai food that night.  I remember being abnormally present.  I wanted to remember everything. I have been like that for about a week now.  There has been no part of any day where I don’t think to myself, “Remember how this feels.”  We had an amazing dinner, but more importantly we had a truly good time.  I think when you wake up to your life and begin to take it all in — let God back in; let the light in.  You find a deep sense of appreciation for the smallest of things and this realization of how miraculous it all is; the potential for it to be even more so as you open wider.

How overjoyed I felt to be in this place, and not the place I was in for the first three IVF procedures.

I feel blessed beyond measure right now thinking about these little embryos snuggling in; praying they snuggle in. I am propped up in bed, while my husband serves me breakfast. Warm biscuits. I thought my little chicken n’ dumplings might like something familiar. Though I am not someone who needs much of an excuse to eat a biscuit.

After dinner on Wednesday I went over to my in-laws to fix their computer set-up.  This is something I have done many times over the years (I am tech support), but it was significant in other ways.  It was one of the best and most open conversations I have ever had with my mother-in-law.  I felt like I could say anything.  The blog, the yoga, the awakening — collectively it has made me more receptive and open, and that will nourish the soul of any relationship.  That night when I left I knew what I considered to be a good relationship was blossoming.

When we plant fresh seeds in ourselves and weed our internal flower bed; fresh flowers blossom all around us.  I think pieces of me have been shut down trying to hold myself together while free-falling through the abyss of infertility for so long; I simply forgot how to relax.  I forgot how to ask for help.  I forgot I even needed help.  I forgot who I was — apparently I was buried under all of those weeds.

I now sit snuggled in bed talking to these little embryos wondering what that was?  Wishing I had been able to get to this place sooner; but knowing I am most likely where I need to be right on time.  Hopefully for all three of us.  ;-)

Yesterday (Day 67) Selma stopped by with a  special gift for me.  She bought me a sterling silver chai charm necklace.  It was such a beautiful necklace and the charm was very unique.  I felt a sense of calm and peace as she placed it around my neck, so honored to have it for the transfer the following morning; still in complete disbelief we had 18 embryos growing. CHAI!

After almost five years of working together, Selma has become like my older sister.  I honestly do not know where my life would be without her or what I would be doing.  I am grateful every day she came into it.

When I came home, I read a beautiful email from my Aunt Ann about my blog.  I love the reconnection with her.

After not sleeping well because I accidentally drank caffeine, yesterday was a full, extremely tired work day.  I am happy to say it is not all done — but I got enough done; enough to relax.  The rest can wait until Monday.  This weekend I am going to enjoy being pregnant until proven otherwise (PUPO).

I went to my last yoga class on Day 67 with Chaz.  I can honestly say it was the strongest I had ever felt.  It felt like I was flying, like I was finally free.  Of what, I am not exactly sure.  But whatever “it” was — it was no longer weighing me down and there was no place I felt that more strongly than on my mat last night.

As I was walking out to my car after yoga I felt that sense you get when something is ending.  But the stronger sense was something amazing was beginning.  I road that all the way home as I sang El Cerrito Place with Kenny.

The hot pink alarm clock went off at 6:15am.  I jumped out of bed, so excited for the day.  I remember this was the first time I ever felt that way when getting ready to do this.  I got dressed up for the transfer.  I don’t want my baby embryos to think I am a schlub.  My chai charm was around my neck.  My iPad was loaded with my relaxing playlist.  I had a picture of Mawmaw and me.  I brought it to place under my pillow during the transfer.  I am not sure why, but this time it was important for her to be with me.

My email and texts were full of prayers and well-wishes from my parents, family and friends.  I was elated and grateful we had this army of good thoughts headed our way.

I had acupuncture with Denise before the transfer.  I fell asleep.  I had two dreams on the table.  The first one was sort of like a montage of all these memories with Mawmaw on the farm.  I was little.  I was running everywhere.  I was free.  The second half of the dream was me as Mom in my vintage baby nursery rocking our baby to sleep.  Jonathan was in the chair next to me rocking another one.

I woke up when Dr. K came into the room and told me we STILL had 18 embryos growing.  I had taken a valium so I was relaxed and completely happy about this.  Overwhelmed with joy inside.  We had 5 PERFECT embryos.  He said he was generally happy with 2-3 perfect ones, so he was VERY happy with our results.  The Girl Who Likes Chicken n’ Dumplings outdid herself.

Jonathan came into the room and held my hand, Denise rubbed my head and Dr. K placed two perfect blasts into my uterus where they will hopefully grow into strong Wilcox babies thanks to the amazing gift of egg donation from one very special dumpling loving yogi.

As I was getting dressed alone in the room after my final acupuncture, I pulled out the picture of Mawmaw and me.  I put it next to my heart and cried, wishing she was here just like in the picture  — but knowing as I heard her singing De-Da-De-Da-De-Do in my head, that she was.  She was right there.

One Comment

  1. Selma says:

    Now you’ve made me cry again! But I am so happy and proud of you and feel privileged to have been invited into your life and to share in the miracle of Chai. The best is yet to come… And as Winnie the Pooh said, “A grand adventure is about to begin.” So much love, selma

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