60+ Days On the Mat — Day 65: Support


January 29, 2013:  Today my knee pain forced me to stay home and do sun salutations, abdominal work and restoratives on my home mat.  Luckily, I had just bought a bunch of yoga props, including a bolster, for my two week wait.  I know this is a mat I will get to know well in the coming weeks and I wanted to be prepared.

I was a little bummed about having to get on it just three short days before the embryo transfer.  But as Ellen says, Knee pain of any kind is bad.  

So, I listened and stayed home.

All day I felt like I was on the top of the world and blissfully happy.  It was a foreign feeling.  With everything I have going on around me, I should be anxious and completely out of my mind — but I’m not.  For the first time, I’m really not.

My mother-in-law is crying with joy.

My father-in-law says, This is just what this family needs. He also told my mother-in-law he thought this blog was an “amazing document.” Coming from someone as stoic as he is; it made my heart smile.

My Mom is thrilled.

My Dad is sending me updates on how many pages “my book” is so far.  He has no idea exactly what is going on with the embryos and the freezing, but he is excited.

Annie (my aunt) is sending me uplifting messages from Joel Osteen.

Friends I know — and those I haven’t met yet — have emailed me from all over the place with support and prayers across faiths.

And then there is even the Wiccan I do not know … after further thought, I simply hope she is a Gryffindor and not a Slytherin.

I’ve never had this sort of support going through this before; mainly because I’ve never asked for it.  I was fighting and pushing and struggling within a very tight circle to make the perfect family out of the imperfect me.  I kept the circle close and desperate.  For whatever reason, I decided I needed very few people beyond Jonathan.  And half the time I think I even made Jonathan feel unnecessary.  I felt so guilty that everything we were experiencing — emotionally, spiritually, financially — was all my fault; I would shut down even to him.

I think that’s why my sweet husband was so perplexed by all of this blogging.  I had never really wanted to talk about it — and now, suddenly, that was all I wanted to do.

I do feel sorry for men sometimes; we are quite a puzzle.

All of the guilt and the angst has been gone for awhile now, but what I felt today was how everyone around me has helped to lift me up.  The support from family, friends, people I don’t know very well, and some I don’t even know at all — was guiding my spirit down a brighter path; something I was unable to do on my own.

Community.  I finally found one for this journey.

Looking back, I think I kept the circle close and desperate because I was closed and desperate.  I was always living past the potential doom of the day of the pregnancy test.  I never allowed myself to just enjoy the ride and stay in the moment on my Road Full Of Promise.

Instead my head was full of doubt.

I am trying not to think past February 11th (the day of the pregnancy test).  I know I need to file away the prospect that this may not work the first time and what will we do then? — but today, and every day until after I get the results of the blood test I am going to BELIEVE that there is actually wind at my back and try to give those little embryos every shot possible by encouraging them to stick around; by not flooding my brain with all the “what if” scenarios.

I don’t want to go into my monkey mind full of doubt and fear.  It’s a kooky place to live and almost impossible to navigate without a mallet or a machete.

I can contemplate all the different options on the evening of February 11th as easily as I can today.  I don’t want to contemplate them today.

Before Friday,  I am going to go to a Jewish store and try to find a chai charm and wear it around my neck for the embryo transfer.

The report from my doctor today said all 18 were still growing.  CHAI!  Some perfectly, some better than others and some hanging on by a wing and prayer — but as of today — they are all still here.


It’s making this leg of the journey a lot lighter, so I thank you for letting me talk to you about it.  It’s really helped.

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