There was a dream and one day I could see it
Like a bird in a cage I broke in and demanded that somebody free it
And there was a kid with a head full of doubt
So I’ll scream til I die and the last of those bad thoughts are finally out
– The Avett Brothers
I think we are always sitting at a crossroads with our head full of doubt at the intersection of the road before us full of promise. I found myself sitting here while trying to decide 60 Days, now what?
Does the story end here? Does it? Does it?
I have been asking myself this question for more than a week and I finally have an answer.
No. It does not end here. It can’t. I have had many people I know (and few I do not!) email me and call me and write to me — please not here, not now. How will we know what happens?!?!
After blogging my heart inside out for 60 days, do you really think I would keep it a secret? There is very little you don’t know about me at this point.
Before making this decision the manic thought swirl (head full of doubt) went something like this — I said 60 days, so 60 days it is. I don’t want to lead people on. It might seem like I am trying to sell more books, you know, like the 5th Agreement? But this is not a book, you’re not selling anything and if people get bored with you they can just click away. Right? Right. But what if it fails!?! What will I do and how will it go from there? I love green nail polish. Huh? You will simply get in your car and drive across the country blogging 60 Taco Bells in 60 days with a carton of cigarettes and several cases of Dr. Pepper. Please God, I know we’ve had a rough go at this the past several years, but please, please do not let me start a white trash blog about Taco Bell and Dr. Pepper with a Marlboro hanging out of my mouth. So smelly. Plus I really love the definition in my arms from all the yoga. Amen.
A brief glimpse into my mind.
I can’t end it today and then keep you informed by updating my status on Facebook with things like:
Terry is feeling pregnant.
Terry is pregnant.
Terry is not pregnant and has decided to drink a bottle of vodka for dinner.
Honestly, this has become about more than 60 days on a mat, or yoga, or UN-organizing, or list making, or even infertility. I gave birth to this story, my story, our story; I am unsatisfied with the ending were I to end it here on Day 60.
On Day 60 I finally got a pedicure with green nail polish and flowers on my toes. I went to yoga with Ellen. Goodnight.
It can’t end like that! I have a chicken n’ dumpling eating yogi egg donor with plumped up ovaries ready to give me some fresh, young, patient eggs within the next FOUR days and if all goes well they will put embryos back in me FIVE days after that! How exciting is that?
The truth is, I can barely sleep. I can barely work. I can barely focus. I am bursting with a joy beyond anything I can possibly explain to you in words. This is part of their story. However this ends, however long it takes — this blog is part of their history and I want it to mean something to them. I love them and I haven’t even met them yet. They’re not even technically formed yet, but I can feel their souls (sorry if that was too woo-woo for you, but I can). I am not sure why I keep saying them. Him, her, them — whatever our baby is. I’m ready to grow them/him/her inside of me.
I want to remember every moment of this because it probably won’t happen again.
The one thing I have learned above all else on this adventure thus far (and it really has been some kind of ride!) every woman’s idea of motherhood and becoming a mother is different. Every woman’s idea of HOW she wants to give birth is different. It’s deeply personal and sometimes it takes many stages of letting go to achieve the desired outcome every woman on a journey towards motherhood wants — to be a Mom. For most women it is easy, but for some of us it isn’t and those women need to find a voice. Their Mom-voice. It’s one of the reasons I became more open with each passing day.
Well-meaning people will say things like — just have the C-section and go on, you’re pregnant. Why are you worried about a birth plan? Just have the baby. Just get an egg donor. Just adopt. Just live your life without kids, it’s not meant to be, you’re too old.
Just. Just. Just.
I always wanted to scream that at someone, but never did.
It’s not that easy for our hearts when we have them set on something going one way. Especially for the calling to be a Mom — that comes from deep within us. Motherhood is not a career, it is a lifetime commitment of everything you are. Everything you have been. Everything you want to become. It defines you like nothing else ever will. Not all women feel it or need it or want it — and some women feel it all, but never find the situation to bring it forth for them.
We all have a vision of what it does and does not look like for us, not all of us reach our goal.
Life is a process of continually letting go.
Right now my path looks perfect. I wouldn’t change a thing.
Personally, I know I would fall madly in love with any child we adopted, but I’m not ready to let go of carrying a baby. After letting go of my genetics and my eggs — I embraced the path that would give me the experience I wanted today. To give birth to our baby. I pray it works. If it doesn’t I am hoping I can let go again without the 60 Taco Bells in 60 Days bender.
Head full of doubt. Road full of promise.
I did go to the mat today. It was sort of anti-climactic since I knew I was doing 60+ Days On the Mat. I had a great class. I was jumping back and rolling through. After 60 days, my body is different. My mind is different. My spirit is different. My toes are emerald green with white flowers on them. They make me smile.
My official decision is to keep writing and going to yoga for the 60+ Days On the Mat story until the day before the embryos are transferred into me. After that, I will take a rest from yoga until my doctor says I can start again.
During the wait for the pregnancy test, I will do some blogging … I am unclear about how I will go about this. My big thing with blogging during the wait is I do not want to get into analyzing symptoms or trying to figure out if I am or am not pregnant. Having been down that road and all over the internet searching until the middle of the night so many times — I am exhausted thinking about it. The answer is not in a Google search.
I have a different waiting plan this time. I want those little embryos made with chicken n’ dumpling loving-patient-yogi eggs to Surprise me!
As I was heading home from yoga, I had a long overdue conversation with my sister-in-law, Debbie. It was nice to catch up and I vow to do it more often. While making broccolini quinoa pasta, I put on one of my playlists. The Avett Brothers song, Head Full of Doubt / Road Full of Promise comes blaring out of my iPad. The minute I heard the opening notes, I had the title of the blog for Day 60.
Head full of doubt? Road full of promise?
Tonight I am kneeling on the Road Full Of Promise.
I’ve decided what to be and I’m going to go be it. Just call me Mom.