Patience has never been my strongest virtue.
Today I received an update on the Girl Who Likes Chicken n’ Dumplings eggs.
To quote my doctor, “I saw your eggs today and they continue to grow steady and smooth; I will see her again on Friday to determine if the retrieval will be Sunday or Monday. All the eggs are growing in a synchronous manner, which is a good thing. Think of them as very patient eggs : )”
So we have patient little eggs. I consider this characteristic a good thing.
My next request is eggs with good grammar. This is as important as patience. (Kidding! — but not really …)
I woke up and started editing and uploading extra early because I had afternoon appointments and yoga. I sometimes laugh at everything I have been doing to try to try to get pregnant. I am fascinated daily that this is such an easy, natural process for so many people and for me it has been nothing short of climbing Mount Everest. I just keep telling myself we all have our own unique journey. This is apparently mine.
I briefly consider other journey options and decide this one is perfect for me.
I head to the mat at 5:30 with Chaz. I had basically come from an afternoon of bodywork starting with a massage, then acupuncture and ending with a flow class. The fact that I just wrote that sentence could possibly automatically disqualify me from ever being let back into Texas, though Austin will probably welcome me with open arms. Ft. Worth will definitely look at me funny. Arlington will put up a barricade.
After 58 days on the mat, I had screaming deltoid muscles and a sore left hip. Gayle is a bodywork therapist that comes to my house. I could call her a massage therapist, but she is so much more than that. I had not seen her since before my last failed IVF cycle in October. She is intuitive and mature well beyond her 23 years and has a gift for bodywork. I do not say this lightly, she truly does. I am grateful she was the one who gave me the free chair massage at Equinox 3 1/2 years ago (when she was only 19!).
Angels come into your life wearing all sorts of hats. She came carrying a massage table and is definitely one of mine.
My doctor walks into the class as it is starting. My yogi fertility doctor … only in Los Angeles. Of course, I love it.
As class begins, Chaz quotes Oscar Wilde, “Be yourself. Everyone else is already taken.” One of my all time favorite quotes, which I used at the end of my Shiner Bock-Margarita bender on Day 8.
This has been my mantra for the past 59 days. I have always loved the simplicity of it. Until I got older, I never fully understood how much easier it is to just be yourself and save the energy it takes to look over your shoulder at everyone else for a comparative analysis. Getting older definitely has its perks.
As the flow begins to heat up I vow to continue to take it easy. My arms and shoulders feel better after Gayle’s visit, but they are still calling out for some mercy. I oblige them. I had literally just come from acupuncture with Sophie, another member of my fertility village. I briefly think about all the things I am doing now that I would probably not be doing if I had been able to get pregnant on my own, the old-fashioned way. As I hold plank pose with my leg out to the side I can feel all of the strength in my body.
The journey thus far has been long and often extremely painful, but worth it. I am excited to get to the end of it, but in reality the end is only the beginning. Even when we think we have crossed the finish line, we often find START painted on the road just past the ribbon. We are always beginning again — sometimes on a Wednesday in a cafe. (I know, I am admitting I listen to Taylor Swift here, but I think it is a beautiful song and I have that many James Taylor records.)
I remember climbing Machu Picchu with Gennifre and a group of women in 2004. Every single time we got to stop was a finish line, but the trail was beginning again when we got up the following morning.
Sweat is pouring off of me. I am not jumping back, but I am doing one-legged chaturanga flow with ease. I’m using my whole body for the flow and not just my shoulders. When I get the placement just right, there is no shoulder pain at all. Just strength. It feels great. The woman in the row behind me is pregnant and she looks absolutely beautiful on the mat. I am not jealous, but excited. Excited about how absolutely present I am for all of this.
As we lie back in final resting pose my mind flashes through the day. When I was resting in acupuncture, I had the most vivid, colorful dreams I had ever experienced. I don’t dream in that sort of color, even when I am daydreaming. My dreams are generally through a haze of gray. This was a bright green lawn with children running everywhere. The sounds and the color and the children running around filled me with joy.
I hope I don’t have that many children, though.
Happy. I’m happy. I have not been able to say that with any conviction for so long it almost feels awkward to say it.
I make no assumptions, my whole world could come crumbling down around me in a few short days, but in that moment of relaxation on my mat, I was happy. Then I think, who wouldn’t be happy after the pampered day I have had? Still no pedicure, I might add. I am saving that for Day 60.
Driving home I hear a collection of great songs. Lyle Lovett, Nobody Knows Me. Brad Paisley, Letter to Me. Willie. Darius. George. As I am listening to Letter to Me, I think about the letter I would write to me at various stages in my life. Those would be some interesting letters … especially the ones to me at 22 and 26.
I came home to an empty house. Jonathan was at a book signing for the next Robert Crais book. I prepared my desk for work tomorrow and then got into bed and started looking at vintage baby nursery pictures. I can’t help it. I am inspired by this one.
And now for the rest of my doctor’s letter:
“By the way, I didn’t know this until today, but as we were drawing blood on the donor, she asked if it is okay if she keeps doing yoga. Apparently she practices several time a week. How cool is that!”
Yes, how cool is that? Perhaps that is my Kismet and B’Sheret after all …