Reach your heart forward. Pull it through.
As I am holding plank with bent arms, I can feel my heart stretching through the center; opening. My mind immediately focuses on this phrase — it’s meaning in yoga as well as life.
Do I lead with my heart first? Should I lead with my heart first? I think so. Am I too gullible for leading with my heart first? Possibly. When people come to the door selling magazines? Always. Jonathan hates for me to answer the door without supervision. I feel sorry for door to door salesmen — remember Willy Loman? But I want to reach my heart forward. I want to put it first into the world, no? Maybe not at the front door.
My mind is momentarily flooded with questions and comments about my reaching heart as I move through chaturanga and into upward facing dog.
I woke up and started writing Day 54, once again, missing my 10:00am yoga class with Ellen and opting for Joe at noon. I thought a lot about this whole journey on the mat and on the blog as I drove to class. Five days from now will be the last official day of 60 Days. It is presently the day of the egg retrieval from The Girl Who Likes Chicken n’ Dumplings.
Kismet? I say a little prayer every day.
I wonder if I should extend it for a few days until the embryos are transferred into me? I will not be able to go to yoga for several days after the transfer per doctor’s orders. 60+ Days On the Mat? Epilogue On the Mat? I ponder these things and more as I drive — like why The Band Perry is obsessed with death?
Joe is focused on shoulders throughout class. Mine have come so far, but still have miles to go. We’re holding a wrap and I can feel the stretching across my collar bone on my difficult left side. I have a momentary memory glom to all the major times my heart was broken. Not by men, particularly, but by life. Life was prone to breaking my heart more than men. Men generally bored me before they had time to break my heart — though, I’ll admit, there were a couple. I smile to myself, knowingly. I’m thankful they broke it. The heart is a resilient organ.
Jonathan is my life’s greatest gift.
The heart stretching continues and I feel the letting go. The release. I imagine the joy entering.
I know leading with my heart has made me gullible, on occasion. There are times when we are getting way more magazines than I can read in one month — or we’re giving to more charities than we can keep up with. But, looking back across time, I am grateful for this quality. Though my Mom likes to play tough, she has one of the biggest hearts in the world. So does Annie, her sister. My Dad. Aunt Paula. Uncle David. Sandy. Larry. Cherry. My grandparents. Everyone has a different way of showing it. Sometimes you even need a decoder ring or a chisel to crack the armor and find it — but it is always there.
Shavasana is legs up the wall today. I relax deeply into the moment on the mat. I see myself at around 3, wearing a green plaid dress my Mom made. It’s easy for me to visualize because I have this picture on my desk. It’s the way I see myself inside. The way I want to greet the world — reaching my heart forward with a big smile — even at 43.
After class I go into Whole Foods to get a fresh juice. The line was longer than I was willing to wait given all I had to do that afternoon. As I am walking out I stop in the clothing section. Whole Foods charges an arm and a leg for an avocado, but clothes are cheap! I fall in love with these cowl-neck, long-sleeved t-shirt dresses that look great with leggings. I find a dusty blue one with earrings to match.
I leave with an outfit, but no juice.
When I get home, I try it on for Jonathan. He loves it. I then show him the $450 cowboy boots I think would look great with my $35 outfit. He rolls his eyes. Maybe not today. I buy some new stationery instead. I find a website that sells sealing wax.
Jonathan was on NBC news talking about Manti Te’o scandal. It was exciting to see him on the national news!
We ate dinner at my in-laws. Delicious beef stew. I try a small cranberry infused gin (a Christmas present from Erik and Becky) and tonic with a twist of lime. Delicious ice cream for dessert. I even watch the end of the Butler vs. Gonzaga basketball game which was amazing to see live. When I see things like that, I know why people get addicted to live sports. There really is nothing like it. I think of the hours of live sports I would have to watch to see more moments like that one. I yawn.
For some reason, I do not fall asleep on the couch.
As I drift off to sleep for the night my only thought is — Life. Is. Good. Really good.