60 Days On the Mat — Day 52: When You Say Nothing At All

BoomerAge 17

Age 17

Look at the cat.  Do you know a better cat?

No.  He’s been with me for 17 1/2 years, he’s awesome, I replied.

He’s the Number One.  Every day with Boomer is a gift.

When people ask me if my husband is going to be a good father, I simply recall this conversation (which we have almost daily at our house) and say, Yes.  He is going to be an amazing father. 

I went to the mat at 5:30 with Chaz.  I had been in a pretty upbeat mood all day after writing about Patsy on Day 51.  Somehow all the minor troubles in my life had drifted away for the moment.

As we started class hanging upside down, I began feeling anxious about my next check-up tomorrow and wondering how The Girl Who Likes Chicken n’ Dumplings was doing?  The question swirl started swarming.  Were lots of her follicles growing?  Were the eggs strong?  Was she eating enough protein?  Was she eating too much junk?  Does that even matter? Probably not. Was my lining thick enough?  Was my uterus really a good uterus?  Will embryos made with her eggs want to grow in my uterus?  STOP!!!

I actually did scream stop in my head.  The anxiety around infertility treatments is intense, even while doing yoga every single day.  Until you get the outcome you are looking for, it feels as though you are living in a money-sucking nightmare.  I know once I am pregnant and in my second trimester, I will say, Money-sucking nightmare?  What money-sucking nightmare?  Oh, that, it was NOTHING!

But until such time as that actually happens, you are constantly questioning your own sanity. I try to allow for the heightened anxiety around appointments and give myself some space to wallow in the unknown and uncontrollable — all the while trying to remember that every day is a good day!

When I started dating Jonathan, I never had a check list.  I was not one of those women looking for anything in particular, I was simply looking for someone that was my equal, made me laugh, was smarter than me about different things (meaning I had no interest in an actor at all) — I wanted a partner for life that respected the fact that I was still an independent person.  I never once asked myself, Hey, would he make a great father?  I always figured that someone I thought was a great partner would certainly be a great father.  After watching him bond with and care for Boomer — our geriatric cat — I have been given all the reassurance I will ever need.

We started with a simple flow.  It was similar to Monday.  My left shoulder pain has now mysteriously moved to the right shoulder.  I am not sure why this is, exactly.  By next week it most certainly will be somewhere else.  I continued to take it easy and listen to the messages coming from my body.  Chaz was the guide and my body was the master.  It’s a different way to think about things, but I have found I am much more forgiving of what I cannot do and much more precise with all that I can.  As I am flowing and moving, I am not thinking much, but a lot of images around Jonathan come in and out as I transition through the poses.

To see Jonathan with Boomer is to see a side of a man rarely seen in the world — how many men do you know who would bond with his wife’s 17 1/2 year old geriatric cat who can barely walk?  Well, he did.  They have a routine every night.  Jonathan says, Boomer, is it time to make the coffee?  Let’s make the coffee.  Boomer perks up and begins to purr.  Jonathan picks him up from wherever he is and carries him to the kitchen where they do “make the coffee”.  After they make the coffee, Jonathan says, It’s time for a snack, Boomer?  Snack?  Boomer spins to the right (Boomer has to spin to the right before he does anything these days) and starts heading towards his room; purring.

When some of my friends were starting their families in 1995, I was beginning my journey with Boomer.  We have lived in three states and driven across the country more than once.  When the whole world seemed to be falling apart, I would come home and there he would be looking up at me, purring.  Most men who inherit the animal companions from when their wives were single simply tolerate them until they are no longer.  Jonathan not only tolerates Boomer, they have their own — completely independent from me — relationship.  Man to man, so to speak.

From the day I met Jonathan he has been able to out talk me, out debate me and out run me.  I love this about him, because it forces me to be better in areas where I am not as strong.  I am now more outgoing in groups, I can debate almost anything and I am more athletic than I have ever been in my life.  I like having a partner that pushes my deficiencies.  I think I do the same for him.  In fact, I know I do.

Again, I skipped crow.  My shoulder was saying no.  Instead I worked on deeper stretching in my hips and upper back which are calling for release every time I get on the mat.  My shoulder said no to crow but a very loud yes to bird of paradise on both sides.  I cannot wait until the day the shoulders and the chest open more so I am not struggling with standing completely straight in this pose.  One day at at time.

As I am folding over my legs and releasing all the work from the flow, Jonathan pops back into my mind.  He really never left, but I was sweating.  In many ways I feel like we have already been through a lifetime together and in just as many ways I feel like it has barely started.  He is a rock when I am a puddle.  He knows what to say when I am speechless.  He knows when to say nothing at all; when to leave me alone; when to let me have my process for whatever internal struggles I may be having.  I can only hope I do the same for him.

While lying in shavasana I remember our wedding day.  I sang to him.  I sang a song I probably should not have been singing, as Alison Krauss is not my voice type — but the song was so perfect and I love it.  To know my husband is to know that generally speaking, it is hard for me to get a word in edgewise — and honestly, I like it that way.  He’s the talker.  I’m the observer.  But he does know when to say nothing at all, and for that, I am grateful.

When I woke up to type this morning, I was not sure if I would include the video of me singing from the wedding.  But after 52 Days — what’s a little nervous off-key wedding singing among friends?  It’s not my best voice work and it’s the most nervous I have ever been — it was the first time he was ever hearing me sing.  Looking back, I wish it had been a little better, but I did leave him speechless — always a tough thing to do.

While driving home last night I felt a profound sense that everything is as it should be.  Everything has happened as it is supposed to, even when it seemed completely wrong, or late or not in the book I had written.  The truth is, I don’t write the book.  To quote Rascal Flatts, life is like a novel with end ripped out and the more you give into this unwavering fact the better life gets.


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