When I told my adoptive Mom I wanted to find my birth mother she said, GREAT, I want to meet her, too! I want to THANK her for bringing me YOU.
Last weekend when I was at the retreat I met a woman about my age who was adopted. When I wrote about her briefly on Day 41, I did not use this quote — I don’t think it had really sunk in until today. I love how selfless her adoptive mother was, how grateful she was and how sensitive she was to her daughter’s need to find that piece of herself.
Ellen gave us a ‘gratitude’ journal at the beginning of the week during our first early yoga class to use during the Zen Cleanse. I have been jotting little things (and big things) down in it all week. Whoever our egg donor turns out to be–and I am really hoping and praying The Girl Who Likes Chicken n’ Dumplings is the one–I have found a whole new level of gratitude for her after this week.
I did not give into the mattress this morning, though I wanted to. I went to the mat at 6:30am. It was the last early morning yoga class and the last day of all the juice drinking. The juice drinking was easy after the first two days. I actually feel like I could go another three — but my sweet husband misses his dinner partner. So, I am happy to be resuming my regular schedule. The one that has me still in my pajamas at 6:30am.
My left shoulder was hurting a bit. This is definitely a trouble spot for me. All of this yoga has my shoulders cracking, releasing and opening all over the place. There is always a retreat of the muscles after an expansion, at least for me. I think my left shoulder was in retreat today.
As I was holding myself with one arm in downward facing dog, I starting thinking about her eggs; Does she have good eggs? How many eggs? I only need one good one, but hopefully we’ll get several given her youth? Is she curious about us? Why does she like chicken n’ dumplings? Who made her chicken n’ dumplings? Were they fluffy or dense dumplings?
The places my mind wanders on that mat sometimes. I am constantly fighting to bring myself back to the present moment. I have absolutely no control of her eggs, nor does my doctor — so at some point I have to just surrender. I go into child’s pose and try to let it go.
Throughout the week I thought more and more about the soul connections in our lives. Those connections that either come into our lives because of circumstance or because we choose them. Usually it’s a little bit of both. It takes the circumstance of finding them before we can choose them.
My step-mother (Sandy) wrote to me and said, “… I was never able to fulfill that dream myself (having her own children) but as my mother (Grandma Roberts) would always say — there is no ill wind that does not blow some good – and that would be you and Genne in my life. I feel like we are all blood relatives and always have.”
So have I. My parents divorce is one of those things I always take back to the moment of devastation. I would not know my life today without that event. So many people and experiences would not be in the landscape of my past or present. Looking back, it’s hard for me to wish for a different outcome because I have had a pretty blessed life so far.
One of my greatest blessings has been my step-mom. She has always treated me like her daughter. I have always thought of her as my bonus mom. At certain points in my life, she was the easier mom to talk to. Everyone should have a bonus mom. I have two now — my mother-in-law definitely qualifies as a bonus mom.
After lots of shoulder opening we went into headstand at the wall. Headstand is fairly easy for me. I actually think I could do it without the wall, but there is this little thing called F-E-A-R. While I’m upside-down I start thinking about all of my soul connections. My friends, my family, my extended family — even Boomer. All the people we choose to let in our orbit. All of the people that help us through this journey called life.
The people you feel are speaking to your soul without any words being said.
After all of this yoga, and writing and letting go — I finally am beginning to emotionally understand what adoptive parents and egg donor parents mean when they say, there is no difference.
There really isn’t.
It’s all about the soul connection.
I went back into wheel and felt this huge stretch across my entire chest in a way I had never felt before. It generated heat. All I could feel was immense gratitude, a kind of love for life and being here that I had never really felt before.
Throughout the rest of the day, this openness expanded. Every day I look at Jonathan and I love him more. I didn’t really think that was possible, but it is. Throughout the entire 47 Days thus far, he has done nothing but completely support me without complaint. In fact, I think there is more joy in our home than there has been in a long time.
The infertility clouds have lifted.
We went to dinner at Nicola’s, our neighborhood hang out where we go literally every Friday night. I broke my juice cleanse with lentil soup and steamed vegetables. As we’re laughing and talking, I think about The Girl Who Likes Chicken n’ Dumplings. Even though we will never meet, if I have children with her eggs our souls will always be connected. Sometimes we can even have anonymous soul connections.
As I’m lying in bed, I start to tear up as I think about our child. I just hope he or she will know how much they were wanted and how many different miracles had to take place for them to get here.