Terrilox

60 Days On the Mat — Day 42: See Me! See Me!

BY: | DATE: 7 JANUARY 2013 | CATEGORY:
See me!  See Me!

See me! See Me!

See Me!  See Me!  

See Me! See Me!

When I was little this is how I am told I called out to the world every morning from my crib.  I would wake up and start saying, See me! See me! — until someone came in and saw me.  When they arrived, I greeted them with a big smile on my face.

Today was the second day of the retreat.  I went to the mat and did some sun salutations in the morning, but the real work that happened this afternoon was not in yoga poses.  It was breath work.   Continually breathing deeply for a period of time can be a gift, but you have to be ready for where it takes you.

As someone who majored in musical theater and has taken countless acting classes, this sort of opening work is not new to me.  However, it is new to me in a room with a research scientist, a type-A personality hockey player and other ‘regular people’.

I wanna run!  I wanna run!

I wanna run!  I wanna run!

As I got older, Mawmaw’s favorite story to tell me was about how I would always say, I wanna run!

Do you remember, Tige, how you would ride in the back of the pick-up truck until we got to the first fence we had to open and then say, I wanna run!  I wanna run!  I wanna run!  I wanna run!

I was lying on the mat breathing —

In-In-Out

In-In-Out

I’m cautiously excited because this week officially begins the egg donor cycle.  On Friday we both stopped the birth control pills.  Later this week, she will start the drugs to stimulate her ovaries.  I have my next appointment on Thursday and will get an update.

As I am lying there breathing–feeling completely different and more open than when I did this in November–I start wandering into my fears, What if this fails?  What if I go through all of this and my uterus is not one some women would kill for?  What if I fail?  What if I am never a Mom?  

In-In-Out

In-In-Out

I keep breathing; I see myself as a toddler saying, See me!  See me!  My Mom comes in and lifts me up; she is as thrilled to see me as I am to see her.

I have no real memories of that time beyond what I see in pictures and what I am told. But I can see in my face, I was full of joy.  I was up and ready to have an adventure.  I truly was always ready for dessert.

I wanna run!  I wanna run!

I wanna run! I wanna run!

As I continue to breathe I can see myself running next to the pick-up truck.  I am smiling and running with Dingo through the pasture.

Mawmaw drives back to me and says, Do you want a ride, Tige?

No, Mawmaw — I wanna run! I wanna run! — and off I ran.

My breathing starts to slow and the tears begin to flow.  I sense these images are really a longing for that brief time in all of our lives  before you meet your fear.  The time where your Mommy or your Mawmaw could always make it all better for you.

The time when nothing was so terrible that it couldn’t be solved with macaroni and cheese, ice cream or chicken n’ dumplings.

See me! See me!

See me! See me!

I hear the calling out again, but the little voice is different.  The toddler is different.  I am confused until I realize that the Mom entering the room was not my Mommy, but me.  I was the Mommy and the toddler looked just like a little Jonathan.  He looks at me with a giant smile and says, See me!  See me!

I am a sobbing mess.  Please do not let this be a mirage.

As I got up from the breath work I said goodbye to the fear and ‘what if’ paranoia. I was no longer going to be a woman paralyzed on the cusp of possibility.  I was going to run — run towards the image of me as Mommy.

For the things we want the most in life, sometimes I think we have to see the possibility within ourselves before it can actually happen.

I am literally in awe of the people in the room with me.  As we are talking during the closing moments of the retreat, I realize–in almost an instant–why this kind of connection is so important.  I realize why I threw out all of those self-help books so long ago.

Whether your community is your yoga class, old friends, your church, your book club — or any other group gathering in support of each other — you cannot truly open and heal without other people.  Healing of any kind cannot take place in a vacuum.

Tonight we enjoyed a lovely dinner at my in-laws with friends.  One of the guests complimented me and said I was glowing.  I told her it was because I was doing yoga every day.  I thought saying I did deep breathing work and dreamed I had a baby that looked like Jonathan who called out–See me!  See me!–might not be considered appropriate cocktail conversation.

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