“Happiness is the consequence of personal effort. You fight for it, strive for it, insist upon it, and sometimes even travel around the world looking for it. You have to participate relentlessly in the manifestations of your own blessings. And once you have achieved a state of happiness, you must never become lax about maintaining it. You must make a mighty effort to keep swimming upward into that happiness forever, to stay afloat on top of it.” ~ Elizabeth Gilbert — Eat, Pray, Love
Chaz read this quote at the end of class today. I love the quote and it’s a nice beginning to the second half of this journey. I loved the book; hated the movie. I think a lot of people felt that way. Our imagination is so much better sometimes; this was one of those times. It was not the actors (I enjoyed Julia Roberts) as much as the choices — it got corny, especially in Bali. Bali was not corny. I was irritated I had that to compete with my own mind. Javier Bardem was the only person better than my imagination.
The flow was good today. I felt heavy after days of eating carbs, licking bowls and grazing from one end of the day to the other. My self-led practices were noble, but I was in need of some physical discipline.
There is no longer the awkward moment when I run into him at yoga; today I gave him a hug. My fertility doctor — I actually love that he’s a yogi; the whole image is not very doctor-y (whatever that means, but you know what I mean, right?). The first time we were at the same yoga class, I thought to myself — I’m taking yoga with someone who knows more about my uterus and ovaries than me or my husband …
We started in child’s pose. I have a mild case of the post-Christmas blues which comes up when I begin to relax my upper thoracic spine and let go. Nothing serious, but you build to this DAY and then it’s over. It was a great day. I’m glad we did it, but I’m ready to take the tree down on Sunday and start a new year. Live life forward.
Chaz announces she is winging the class. She has done no preparation. I thought to myself, I have been winging my life for the past 30-days (or 43 years, depending on who you ask … ), this should tie in perfectly.
The winging was good. Ellen had just told me last week that potatoes and tomatoes affect balance. I’ve been eating lots of potatoes. She was right because I could not hold anything today, and to say I had a few carbs over the past several days is an understatement. I could feel crow pose. I could not do it. I am so ready to start my juice cleanse with Ellen on January 7th.
We do lots of deep twists throughout class and my hips are screaming at me, especially the left.
We signed the official contract between us and the actual egg donor today. We’re completely ready for this process financially, emotionally — all of it. We’re excited to move forward. However, there is that small part of me whispering, If I do not get pregnant in 2013 … I’m going to start swaddling Boomer. Wait. I already swaddle Boomer.
Actually, Jonathan swaddles Boomer. I’m not even going to try to figure out what that means. It means this cat is a lucky bastard. I type this as he sits next to me fully swaddled and snoring.
When we move to the floor the twists deepen. That lump in my mid-back starts grabbing. It does not want to let go. I breathe. It loosens slightly. We move into seated forward bend — Chaz massages my upper spine to mid-back area; I think she can sense the spot (or she just felt like giving my back a rub down). Either way, it worked. After she was done, it finally begins to dissipate.
When I come down from plow it is practically gone. This moment of release is why I do yoga.
I have my first appointment for the egg donor cycle on Friday. If all goes well, I think the donor will start the medications next week and off we go.
When Chaz reads the quote about happiness, I think back to where I was before the yoga retreat a month ago and where I am today. I didn’t set out seeking happiness. In fact, I did not intentionally set out seeking anything at all — but I am deliciously happy and only moderately anxious about what lies ahead.
I finally sat still breathing long enough to open. I opened my eyes to my life. The life I had. The life I have. The life I want. All three serve a purpose in getting us to where we want to go. You have to pack the important things, leave the meaningless things and strive for a meaningful life. And like happiness, once you find it, you must never become lax about maintaining it.
A meaningful life is a happy one, I think.
On my way home tonight I was listening to the oldie country station … and on comes Luckenbach Texas. Everything about this song, the album cover, all of it — riding with my Mom in her white stingray corvette. I have no deep thoughts about it … but I know my Texas friends will love it.
I wish Willie Nelson still had his 4th of July PICNIC in Luckenbach. I would go just to say I had been.
Enjoy a little Texas nostalgia … and keep in mind there were NO music videos in the 70’s.
… my hot pink alarm clock is set and ready to begin Day 32 tomorrow.